I was sitting with a P3W leader and she offered me a hot drink.  I was about to answer “It’s ok, I don’t need anything.”  But I paused and reminded myself I’m in Indonesia, not Canada.  I answered “yes, I will take coffee.”  My impulse is to say no when I’m offered something because I don’t like taking from others.  I’ve realized this value may come from my culture.  When my mom offers our guests coffee, they answer something like “only if you’re already making a pot.”  To be a good guest is to make sure you’re not taking too much from your host. 

If I tried to practice Canadian manners in Indonesia, it would be rude (which I’ve probably done multiple times). Hosts are happy when guests eagerly accept all that they are offered.  Sometimes the host simply gives visitors a drink or food without asking.  I have never once heard a guest tell their host to only give them a drink/food if it’s already prepared.  On Christmas day neighbours and friends visit each other and everyone prepares snacks.  When some neighbours came over and didn’t eat the snacks, my host mom was insulted.  It is rude to refuse food when visiting someone’s home.  It is the greatest compliment to the host when a guest eats a lot at your house.  It communicates that the host is a good cook and the host feels that they have something valuable to offer.   When a guest refuses to eat, it communicates that what they prepared isn’t good enough for the guest.  Clearly, the paradigm of polite and rude behaviour is far different in Canada than Indonesia.

What are the root values that make the Canadian and the Indonesian way of hospitality so different?  The insightful Henri Nouwen writes that in Western culture we often think happiness comes from having (expensive goods/status/knowledge).  Maybe Canadians are sometimes hesitant to accept things from others because we believe people are happier when they save things/energy for themselves rather than giving.  I catch myself thinking this way.  When my friend offers me food I believe the polite thing to do is to say no because if I ate it, there would be less for her.  This is mine and that is yours; I’ll accept presents on my birthday, but otherwise I don’t want to take your stuff – your happiness – away from you. 

The more I refuse to accept your hospitality is the more earnestly I’m pushing you away (perhaps subconsciously) from my belongings, my time, and my private life.  I’m not just talking about tangible items; I’m also referring to the commodity of time.  How often at the end of a phone call have you said “Well, I’m sure you’re busy, I’ll let you get back to it.”  We bump into a friend on the street and only wave or say a quick greeting because we don’t want to bother them.  We’re at a friend’s house and say “It’s getting late, I should let you get to sleep.” When really what we mean is I want to sleep.  By signaling to people that we protect their valuable time, we are saying: my time is just as valuable and if you want to interrupt my busy life at least make an appointment.

Politely refusing to take other’s belongings/time/energy indicates how much Canadians value independence and privacy.  I can take care of myself; I don’t need anything from you and please don’t ask too much from me.  I am busy improving my work, my family, my property and no one can get in my way.  Of course this is saying it too harshly, but I’m embarrassed that it holds some truth to how I think.

My independent spirit has been greatly challenged in Indonesia.  After realizing that my manners are rude, I started doing things differently.  Now, I willingly accept food from people.  I stop to chat with people (in the office, on the street) without worrying that I’m wasting their time and my time.  I am less hesitant to ask for help, even from acquaintances and strangers.  I focus less on personal progress and instead live in the moment.  These changes are often uncomfortable and I sometimes worry that my life is stagnant.  I’m not increasing my academic knowledge; I’m not earning money; I’m not improving artistically; I’m simply living.

This year in Indonesia made me realize it’s not easy to re-learn the cultural values I’ve internalized such as independence, self-sufficiency, and progress. But the steps I’ve taken to receive graciously inspire me to be a more generous person.  People say the more you give the more you will receive.  But, I think the more profound truth is that the more you become a gracious receiver, the easier it is to give. 

  Why does giving even matter in a culture that is obsessed with having?  Being generous isn’t always comfortable and often feels like a loss of control.  But, there is something bigger lost when we avoid the vulnerability of giving and receiving.  Without this web of accepting gifts of time/help/hospitality and giving, we suffer from a sense of loneliness and isolation.  Henri Nouwen says happiness does not come from having, but from giving.  The best days I’ve had in Indonesia are the days that someone has shared something with me or when I’ve been able to give something to others.  I hope that when I return to Canada I will not allow the busyness of life to stop me from living out what I learned about hospitality and community in Indonesia.

                                                  My host brother and I relaxing at home

                                             My host mom is telling me to take more food